There are a few things that men hold dear to them. Their mothers. Their football team. Their food, and finally their egos. Coincidentally their egos are directly linked to, yes you guessed it, their dicks. Ladies have you sometimes wondered how a guy who has a face that only a mother can love. A body that has questionable proportions and an intellect that rivals a goldfish can have so much confidence? Wonder no more. I am willing to bet my life (purely hypothetical) that he is packing an AK 47 in his pants or is rich. If he isn’t then he is likely suffering from some early onset mental illness. I have female friends who have told me stories of guys pulling out their big guns on dates to impress them. Frankly, I think that is a bit weird. Possibly that is all they have to offer. No shade. I am a self proclaimed expert on the male ego because I have one. I have been told its pretty big. My ego that is. I am not carrying a big gun- it is no pea-shooter either -but if I was carrying a big gun, I don’t think I would be waving it around for the world to see. That would be a dick move. Get it. The male ego is what drives men to do stupid things. Lift weights that are a bit too heavy and have them fall on their toes. Spend obscene amounts of money on alcohol and cars to keep up with so called friends then file for bankruptcy. A well-fed ego struts its stuff for the world to see like a colorful peacock in its prime. Confidently searching for a mate. When pricked or bruised the peacock ego turns into a tortoise and the head disappears into its protective shell. Shape shifting. The male ego is a matter of great interest to psychologists. Quite frankly it is a mystery as to why it is so fragile but like almost it has been linked to childhood development. The events that take place during puberty shape the psyche of young boys and girls. These effects manifest themselves in the formative years. In that way, it could be said that, the ego is born at puberty.
The dreaded teenage years. The period where most of us get our first kiss, first boners and first lays. If you are a boy and you got your first kiss before you turned 14 then hats off to you. If you’re a girl and you got your first kiss before 14 shame on you! You slut. I hope you saw what I did there. If you didn’t, you are slow but it’s okay, your mother loves you. I lost my virginity during these teenage years. Somewhere in form two or three to a mama who had come for teaching practice. Boy did she get me to practice! It was epic. Unforgettable. We will get to that soon enough but not today. Today I share a more depressing tale. A tale of incompatibility.
I had a friend called Rick. He liked this girl. She was called Racheal. Racheal and Rick. It sounds like the title of a hit 80’s sitcom. They hit it off from the very beginning. She laughed at his jokes and they weren’t really that funny. She held his hand and called him cute. I know this because I was often the third wheel in their relationship. Rick and I were neighbours. He was shy and I was his friend, the ultimate wingman, so whenever he wanted to go see Racheal I was there to hold his hand. We took long walks around the estate. I often followed behind (it was awkward, believe me). We met her ex once or twice and she would flaunt Rick like brand new Range Rover when she saw him. She was saying ‘I upgraded.’ Reminds me of the Beyoncé song. There were even late-night rendezvous by her parents’ gate. By late night I mean 7pm. We were kids with curfews and strict parents. Rick swore she was the best kisser ever. She did have sweet succulent looking lips I must admit. She was the first girl to bite his lower lip. When it happened, he came straight over to our house looking giddy and excited. He told me she was the one he wanted to marry. Naivety at its peak. Plenty of girls have done that to me. Some of them have been great. The rest left me with scars that took a while to heal but none of them have come close to Racheal judging by his testimony. When the deal is too sweet think twice. No, that’s not right. All that glitters isn’t gold. No, that’s not right either. Wait. I’ve got it. It was too good to be true.
After courting for a while they decide to consummate our relationship. Yes, I said it. Our relationship. I was invested. Deal with it. I was not physically a party to this in any way or form. Okay. Maybe I was. It happened at my parent’s place. Away from prying eyes of nosey tattle tale house-helps. They popped by at around 11 am on a sunny Wednesday. I took a long walk and waited for the text that said it was all clear. If my mum had decided to make a surprise pit stop for lunch I would not be writing this story today. Rick was hospitable. He claimed so anyway. Offered her food. Tea. The usual. She just wanted juice so he gave it to her, all the while he was thinking of how he was going to give it to her. They sat across from each other. I imagine he was nervous. Flipping through TV channels. Racheal was going to be the second person he had been with, he was still young. We all were. Every word from this moment on is an account of actions as they occurred. She took a few sips of juice and stood up. She walked towards him poised and composed before quite literally jumping on him. I think she tripped and fell on him but he was too mesmerized by her big boobs to notice (big boob brigade mupo?) but hey what do I know. They kissed. She was dominating, going straight to his neck. This was the period when vampire diaries was the ish. Racheal came ready for action. He carried her to my room (my poor bed). There was more foreplay. She gave him head. At that point, I stopped to think how a girl barely 16 knows how to give head but then again millennials know a bit too much.
In the movies when the actors have sex it is simple. Skirt up. Zip open. Pants drop to the floor. A shimmy of the hips and in it goes.10 seconds tops. In real life, things aren’t that smooth. There is a bit of a struggle. On that day, believe you me, Rick was a movie star. I think he had been practicing. I wouldn’t blame him. He wanted to impress her. Skirt up and no shimmy at all. It just slid in and that was the last time he felt anything around his ego. Ladies and gentlemen, I kid you not when I say he could not feel anything but her wetness around his groin area. The look he wore on his face was one of mortification. As you can imagine a 16-year-old doesn’t know much about sex. Innocently, he asked her if she felt anything. If you must ask, you already know the answer. The response was a big fat no. We both burst out laughing. I mean what could we do. This was the funniest story I had heard in ages. Better him than me I figured. They switched positions a few times but alas. There was no getting around it. He wasn’t big enough for her or she wasn’t small enough for him. The jury is still out on that one. They sat on the bed (my poor poor bed) next to each other for a while. Drowning in awkward silence. She told him that she loved him. Sex wasn’t a big deal to her. Rick’s ego was already battered. Her words stung like salt on a fresh wound. You dont tell a man you are happy with him after he has failed. He knows he has failed. Everything you say will sound patronizing no matter the intention. I remembered every time we came across her ex he would smile in our direction. I thought he was just a friendly guy. A guy who liked smiling at strangers. A guy who had moved on and held no resentment towards his ex. I was wrong. He was smiling because he knew what he had done. He was smiling at Ricks naivety. He knew he had stretched out that pussy so much it would take another ‘ndume’ like himself to fill it and he took one look at Rick and knew that he was not that ‘ndume.’ Curse him, wherever he is.
Rick and Racheal dressed and talked for a while before he walked her home. I can imagine them walking side by side pretending like nothing happened. Which is precisely what did happen. Nothing. There was no satisfaction. No passion. No ugly faces were made. You know the faces- the faces you make when you are downing some strong whiskey. No moans and definitely no groans. Rick got on his phone and googled everything to do with penile length, girth, and vaginas as soon as he got back home. He measured and pondered. According to Google vaginas are elastic. Things were never the same between them again after that day. She got back with her ex I heard. Curse him one more time for good measure. On the bright side, I gained valuable insight on the male reproductive organ. Rick also discovered just like his grades throughout his educational life his dick was also above average or so he claimed.